How to get a facelift for $2.39

March 24, 2011

Ok. I know I’m not imagining things. Clearly, there’s something going on. I notice it every time I look in a mirror. Unless the Big Man has pulled a fast one on me and switched all the mirrors around here to the kind they have in a fun house, I think I have a big problem.

My face is melting.

That’s the only logical reason I can find for why my eyebrows hang lower, my eyes look tired, my mouth has a slight natural frown, and my cheeks are turning into jowls.

Must be global warming or something.

I’m not sure just when this started to happen. I think maybe it was the day after I turned 25. When you turn 25, they put you in a new “beauty age group” in magazines. Suddenly you’re no longer in the young and fun 18-24 group. You’re 25-34. You’re part of the “responsible” group. People expect great things from you. It’s time to go about starting the real business of life. Time to get serious about a career, start a family, save for retirement, and those other blahbitty blah blah major life things.

All that serious life stuff takes a toll on the face.

You can spend mucho dineros trying to move your face back to its original position. There’s probably a plastic surgeon somewhere who can schedule you in for a little nip and tuck tomorrow. You can get injections that will temporarily freeze your face in place. And there are a million lotions and potions that promise to turn back time to the pre-melt days.

But why spend all that money when you’ve probably got all you need right in a drawer in your kitchen?

Say hello to your new best friend—adhesive tape.

One of the best kept beauty secrets is revealed.

With very careful application and a just the right amount of tape you, too, can reclaim your youth.

You’ll want to start at the forehead and work your way down. First you raise your eyebrows, giving you the more wide-eyed look of youth. Then you lift those jowls so that they once again resemble cheeks. Finally, with just a couple more pieces you can turn that frown upside down and get that subtle Mona Lisa smile. And if you have a few lines and wrinkles around your eyes? Cover them with tape and suddenly they disappear!

Suddenly the signs of melting are erased!

People will be so dazzled by your youthful beauty, they won’t even notice the tape!

For daytime, you’ll definitely want to use the matte finish variety. The shiny kind is best saved for evening when you want a little extra sparkle. The light reflecting off of the shiny surface is perfect for a night of clubbing and even works well in romantic candle light.

Tape. It’s quick. It’s easy. It’s cheap. And it’s the remedy for a melting face.

Do you have your own beauty secret you’d like to share? I’d love to hear about it.

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Joyce March 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Love it! I, too, have been noticing the signs of aging. I blame it on my kids. I am going to have to try the tape thing. 😉

Reply

Unhip Chick March 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

You’ll be amazed at the miraculous results, Joyce!
Unhip Chick recently posted..How to get a facelift for 239

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Jill Riddle March 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

They haven’t manufactured enough tape to help me. Not only has my face melted but so has my buttocks and other parts of the body!!!! Could you imagine the amount of tape to “uplift” all these areas?

Reply

Unhip Chick March 24, 2011 at 9:30 pm

I hear you, Jill. I think that’s why they make duct tape in super strength now–for the industrial strength jobs we need it to do!
Unhip Chick recently posted..How to get a facelift for 239

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Allison March 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Loved the article.

I may need duct tape. More so than my face melting, is my neck. I am getting a turkey neck. I discovered some neck exercises that make me look like a fool, especially when doing them in traffic.

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Unhip Chick March 24, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I’ve asked for neck and chin exercises in my aerobics classes. At least there we can all look foolish together.
Unhip Chick recently posted..How to get a facelift for 239

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Lori March 26, 2011 at 4:52 am

Does tape work on your “Dolly Partons” too! Oh no that’s right I need the Under Armour Super Bra for that!

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Mary Sue October 29, 2013 at 1:18 pm

Ok, getting out the tape…..I may need the industrial duck tape! Better than spanks!

Reply

Unhip Chick October 30, 2013 at 3:28 pm

I think most of would probably benefit from the industrial strength tape, but OUCH that would hurt!
Unhip Chick recently posted..Boobs, breasts, hooters, ta tas –- We are more than the sum of our cup size.

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