What to do when your gluteus is too maximus

November 4, 2010

There are many uncertainties in life, but one thing I know for sure — most of us are not entirely happy with the way our bodies look. It doesn’t seem to matter whether you’re thin, heavy or somewhere in between, there’s always something we want to change.

Consider, for example, the derriere. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a woman utter these words: “I love my butt. It’s perfect.” If you’ve ever said that, you are one lucky woman and I hate you. (Just kidding, I’m actually green with envy.)

It’s just too bad that there isn’t a store for butts where we could all go and pick out the perfect one for us. A little too much boot in that booty? Try Caboose #7, it goes perfectly with that little black dress. Or, how about the Jenny From The Block model to put the va va back in your voom?

Currently, this store can only be found in Utopia.

Alas, until the grand opening of Butts R Us, we’re stuck with what our mommas gave us.

Or are we? If there’s a little too much gluteus in your maximus or too much spread on the bun, try toning shoes.

When these first burst onto the scene, I wanted to rush out and get a pair in every color. Until I saw the price. Ouch! $100 a pair. I figured patience is a virtue, and I was feeling very virtuous (and frugal), so I waited until they came down in price.

Lo and behold, on a recent visit to a shoe store, I spied a pair of black Ryka toning shoes for $70. Like a cat to nip, a mouse to cheese, or the Chick to chocolate, I pounced on these things. Plus, with the money I saved on these shoes, I was able to get myself a pair of non-toning but much, much cuter mary jane clogs. Bargain!

The Ryka shoes were $30 less than the leading brand.

Here's how they work.

And here's how they look--strange.

To achieve maximum results, I decided to wear the shoes as much as possible. First, I wore them to a local college football game with the Big Man. Then I wore them to a college football game in North Carolina with the Big Man. Noticing a trend here? Both of these events required lots and lots (and did I mention lots?) of walking. Miles and miles, actually. I’ve also worn them shopping around town and out to lunch with girlfriends. They are not the most attractive shoes but if they’ll give me buns of steel, I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

The first thing I noticed about the shoes, besides how odd they look, was that they were comfortable. Unlike almost every shoe in the history of the Chick shoe wardrobe, they did not leave me with blisters as a parting gift. In all those miles, never once did I need to apply a bandage to any part of my feet. This is a minor miracle and for that reason alone, the shoes should be nominated for sainthood.

The next thing I noticed was that my legs were more tired than usual from all this walking. You may recall that the Chick is an expert “slogger”. I’m used to doing a 3- to 5- mile slow jog or walk and various other aerobic-type activities, so my legs do not normally get fatigued from walking around cities, college campuses, football fields, or stores.

The curvy bottom of these toning shoes make my legs work harder than when I wear my cross trainers.

Finally, I noticed that in order to stand still and straight I had to engage my core muscles a bit. It’s not a military stand at attention and salute kind of engagement, but balancing on the center part of the shoe’s sole without leaning forward or back requires just a touch of core strength.

But what about the results? When I first bought these shoes, I deluded myself into thinking the before and after images would be dramatic.

Before

After

Fortunately, and unfortunately, neither of those backsides is mine. To be truthful, I haven’t noticed a bit of difference in my posterior or my legs yet. My friend and aerobics instructor tells me that because I am fairly active I probably won’t notice any results. Boo!

In reality I suspect a little less chocolate (ok, a lot less) and a few more fruits and vegetables every day would yield faster results. But I’m still going to wear these shoes because I can use all the help I can get.

Chickaliciousness: 4 for comfort and potentially bootilicious buttocks

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Jill Riddle November 4, 2010 at 7:03 pm

Thank you for saving me at least $70.00. Had considered buying a pair of this type of shoe for my walks in the park, now I know this would be a waste of my hard-earned cash. I have been trying to reduce the size of my posterior since the age of 12 to no avail. It’s called “junk in the trunk” and has been passed on for generations (thanks Mom) and my daughters have thanked ME as well. Once again I have enjoyed your writing, please keep it coming!!!

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